If you think I'll be okay with you starting back your smoke routine at home, so be it. 

I usually wear my engagement ring and wedding ring together... but I've decided to take off my engagement ring. 

9th Aug 2016.

Today is the 14th July 2016. 

I feel bitterness within. 

I've got to know another father and son going for liver transplant tomorrow. And that hit me hard the day things happened. 

Everyone kept on saying stay strong... Stay strong... But how long must I stay strong for? 

I'm waiting for the day somebody... Or anybody, who would come and tell me straight in the eyes, 'it's okay, it's all gonna be okay from now on'. 

Everytime I think about it... I just wanna fall to me knees and cry. 

😥

Today is the 30th June 2016. 

I've been thinking about the same quote since I watched the Long Island medium last night. And I guess it's stuck in my head because of how well I thought it fits what I'm feeling.

'I just feel like the walls are closing in on me...... And there's nothing I can do.'

Sometimes I wished he didn't survived the resuscitation. Other times, I just wanna pack my bags and go because the sight of seeing you on your phone and not trying hard enough around the house just makes me wanna stay further away from you. 

Why? Because I've tried talking about it for so many times I no longer wanna try anymore. You have made me feel that no matter how many times I try things will only get better for that three seconds and it will go back to square one. 

And it's doesn't just apply to that phone game, there are other things too and you know it and you know what I'm referring to.

I just wanna try and live my own life right now, and the more I think about it the more I wanna stay away and be independent and solo. Everybody is tired, I don't wanna be forcing too much anymore coz it's pointless and ineffective.

I also no longer wanna talk about the situation with anybody because nobody will understand. They don't know the feeling of having a normal son given to you and something happened to what it is today. I don't fucking need sympathy..., I need a normal life and unless you can give me that, please go away and stay away. 

Today is the 22nd June 2016. I can't help but realized that I'm here for at least the third time trying to write out my thoughts.

I'm not sure if I'll eventually complete this post and have it published or would have the draft done half way and it forever stays a draft like the last two. 

I can't really decide what words I should use to describe how I feel anymore... Coz it just keeps getting worse. 

Ever felt like your future looks so weak you feel like you're gonna be a loser the rest of your life? Ever felt that you've tried so many stuffs but nothing is helping? Ever felt like you feel stuck and you might just be stuck for a very long time? 

That's exactly what I'm made up of right now. 

My goals are seemingly fading... Do I still want the same things? Because it seems like the current situation does not allow me to balance between life goals and family, it's almost a flat out mission impossible. It's one way or other... And I'm tired trying. 

I've come to a point where I've stopped trying for certain things. I've tried till my disappointments have run empty. If I no longer get very angry at the usual things, it's probably because I'm done trying with you. 

My faith is leaking and running low too; I don't know what or who to believe anymore. Praying seems more like a greeting of respect rather than a hope for miracle.

Everyday is just passing like a day I gotta go through with. Everyday I feel the pinch when I see healthy children, every one of them pricks my heart. There's no hatred don't get me wrong, it's more like turning that knife that's already stabbed into you.

And that's... how I spent my birthday two days ago... 

Today is the 16th January 2016.

This is... So disappointing. And you are causing all the biggest disappointments. 

I thought I can rely and trust you the most you know? Even more than my family. But it's so so disappointing. 

I specifically told you not to buy the fishes yet, but my words were totally ignored. You bought it regardlessly and didn't tell me until I said we should go shop for fishes together. What's the point of not telling me? 

I felt worthless and I felt like I meant nothing to you because what I said was as if they never said at all.  

I was laughing at first because I knew you would do it. I knew from bottom you'll buy the fishes because I told you to go home early to catch some rest. That's why I texted you. But you still bought the fishes, the extra time was meant for you to rest, not go buy some FUCKING FISHES. It proved that I was so right about you. And the disappointments comes in later, like a really big air balloon filling up and bursting. I kept crying that night. I stopped my tears but I couldn't help but cry again and again and again. I felt like I should not trust you ever again. 

After all this time nobody could make me break down like this but you single-handedly did. 

And yesterday, you admitted that you started smoking again. After three months without cigarette, you started smoking again. I really don't understand, I don't understand at all! Why? Why? WHY??!!

THREE FUCKING MONTHS WITHOUT CIGARETTES WAS SUCH A GOOD CHANCE TO QUIT IT TOTALLY!!! 

I should have known better, I smelt faint cigarettes smell few days ago. I should have known. 

I should have known that you will never change your stubbornness with your never ending excuses. 

I'm not gonna try and change you anymore. You're a father, a husband and one old enough to think. I'm gonna change myself instead. I have enough of your bullshit. 

It just made me more determine to have my own room in our next home to get away from your bullshit, coz that's what I'm gonna start doing, to cut you off. 

I think I'm done with this. 

Today is the 22nd December 2015. 

Christmas haven't been merry for two years in a row...

Oh Santa, is this punishment for being really bad six or seven years ago? I thought it was a yearly review, you know? 

I watched two festive movies yesterday, and can't help but dropped a tear when I see people being happy and joyful, because I'm not. 

Because I'm not...

Today is the 26th November 2015.

I've never been more depressed and unhappy in my life thus far. In what I do everyday now, I can hardly see any light at the end. I've lost the purpose of living. 

I've lost my patience, and I've lost my faith too. 

In this difficult time, I've received help truly grateful for. But they are mostly from my circle of people, doubling the favors I owed everyone. I feel really bad that these angels are helping me but I can't return them anything. My family have helped so much in so many ways and so many times. This is worse than finding out I have cancer. 

I thought my partner would fight this together, but he's physically and mentally too pathetically weak to do anything. It's obvious he's not trying hard enough, thinking he's still a patient in the ward. I don't even wanna talk about him or his family anymore. So much in me have died for him. 

I am unable to express my thoughts and emotions to anyone, not my best of friends, not my family, no one. Because they can understand what I'm going through is tough, but they will never feel what I feel. No one will be able to.

I took this chance of romance in exchange of giving up my dream, just to land myself in this situation today, it's a joke. I feel lonelier than ever trying to brave on this storm single handedly. I'm depleting my faith faster than I could possible replenish them. 

I think about giving up everyday, sometimes just a few times everyday, sometimes ten over times a day. I don't know why I'm pushing on, but I just work everyday for the sole purpose of completing them. There's hardly any sincerity felt anymore. I don't know when I'll finally give in, but I'm thinking soon. 

They say take a day off, give yourself a break. I've done it but it only got worse. 

Everything is meaningless, no point, disappointing and making me angry. It's bullshit bullshit BULLSHITTTTTT!